6 months without Him

Six months ago today my life changed drastically. It was that horrible nightmare that I think every parent has coming true. It was a reality in my home. When that highway patrol officer knocked on our door at 8:30 in the morning my heart sank, but when he handed me my child's wallet and phone my heart truly shattered into millions of pieces; like a fine piece if china thrown against a brick wall. I can honestly say I have never felt such pain in my life. It was more than just heartache. It was a deep empty pain that could never be described in words. After loosing both my parents a few years ago, my dad in 2008 & my mom in 2012 I thought that loosing them was painful. But oh was I wrong. Don't get me wrong it hurt tremendously because I was very close to both of them, but nothing can compare to loosing Dayton. I thought back in 1990 when I lost my first born at 8 1/2 months pregnant that was painful, but not even close. Dayton was more than just a son. We had a bond that most mom's don't have with their son's. I really don't know why, but we just did. And I never really knew the depth of it until he was gone. To hear so many people tell me, "I was so jealous of you two's relationship, it was remarkable." or "you were more than just a mom to him" or my favorite "he was beyond being a "momma's boy your relationship was magical". Things like this warmed my heart. And we were. There was nothing he wouldn't tell me. I even had one person tell me "he lived to make momma proud". Oh if he only really knew how proud I was of him. I am proud of all my boys beyond words. All 5 of them are different & have their own purpose & journey. And the funny part is, I live to make my boys proud. I can honestly say there is nothing that brings me more joy than knowing one of my boys are proud of me. But Dayton, bless his heart, he wasn't afraid to tell everyone! I will from time to time post on here things he has posted on his facebook. I think it will help others to see the whole picture. And it will help me. :-)
Today, six months later, the pain is still very much there, still feeling like a huge empty hole in my heart. I don't know if that will ever go away. I still to this day have moments of what I call "lala land" where just for a brief second I don't think it's reality. Then.... reality hits, & I sink again. I honestly think this happens at least once a day still. It really doesn't seem to matter what I am doing or where I am at something always sparks a memory. Dayton was always my helper. He has always been the first one to jump in and start helping me no matter what I am doing. And man do I miss that. He called or text me every single day possible. He had one of those laughs that just made you warm inside. And a smile that could melt a million hearts. I would like to think I am getting better. I carry a lot inside because I don't feel others should be sad because I am. It is the start of riding season, but I have not been on my horses yet. Mainly because Dayton was my riding buddy, he loved being on a horse as much if not more than me. So that is something that I know is going to be a huge step for me.

Until next time, have a blessed day.......

Joshua 1:9(NCV) Remember that I commanded you to be strong and brave. Don’t be afraid, because the Lord your God will be with you everywhere you go.”