In just a couple of hours it is not only "my first Easter without my sweet baby boy here, but it is also his first birthday not here". Everyone keeps telling me the "First's" are the hardest, which I believe is very true. And then to be hit with 2 of them on the same day. Well, lets just say I am trying my best to keep moving forward. My goal is for my blog to go up on his birthday. I truly do believe this is something God is wanting me to do. I really don't understand why, although there is many things He tells us to do and we not only don't understand why but sometimes we never really figure out why. But I guess this is where our faith and trust comes into play.
I have had to learn to lean on my faith a lot over these past 175 days. I still find myself thinking it's didn't really happen, but then, reality hits. I still see, hear & smell so many things that remind me of Dayton. And many times it comes out of no where, well actually most of the time. Like the other night I was fixing dinner & all the sudden it hit me how much he loved to help me cook. If he was home & I was cooking you could almost guarantee he would be in there helping me at some point or another. Boy how I miss those times. And then another times I was just flat out missing him & looked out the window and seen 2 cardinals out on the lawn. It made me smile because I thought of the old wise tell about cardinal. "A Cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you most need them or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you." I really don't know if this is true or not. Never really heard about it until after loosing Dayton. But I will say I found it quite comforting, you see, a very dear friend of mine sent me a picture on Facebook that told of this several days after loosing Dayton; but little did she know that every since he had passed I had been seeing on right out side my bedroom window every single day. He was there every day for at least 3 weeks. Well the more I thought about it the more I remembered after loosing my mom in December 2012 many many times setting on my sofa early in the morning and having one right our side the sliding glass door. As a matter of fact I remember even telling my husband how I had a morning bible study friend that came to visit every morning as I studied the bible. So rather if you believe it or not, I personally find great comfort in it and so there for I choose to believe it. I believe God wants us to have divine peace & He will comfort us however He needs to.
I pray every single day that no one every has to feel the pain I have felt over this past 6 months, even though I know that we live in a fallen world and horrible things will happen, if I could do anything in this world it would be to spear anyone from ever having to go through this. But if you happen to be reading this because you are going through the same pain I am. I wish I could tell you it is getting better, I wish I could tell you I am seeing improvement, I wish I could tell you I am seeing healing. But after 175 days, I am not. However I do believe I will, I know God is healing my pains, I know He will turn this tragic thing into good, I know He will give me peace beyond understanding, I know He HAS given me so much strength in my weakness & will continue to do so, I have faith in is plan.
Over the past 175 days, I have watched my other 4 boys take huge falls, I set back helplessly knowing the best thing I can do for them right now and anytime is pray. I find myself scared to let them out of my sight most of the time. And I struggle with this every second of everyday. I find myself in complete panic if they are not with me any they are even a minute later than I think they should be, or like the other day I was the one not home and a storm was fixing to blow over. It takes everything I have to not go into complete panic breakdown. The other boys safety has really become a huge fear factor for me. I am having a hard time remembering to "trust God" in this.
On another note, I am still finding myself talking about Dayton like he was still here. I have noticed that if I am talking to someone about the boys I talk about Dayton like he hasn't passed away. I don't know if it is because I don't want to accept it or if maybe it is because its easier than having someone tell me " Oh I am sorry". I also have noticed I still have a lot of time that I just "don't want to deal with anyone" not in person or by phone. Now, how much of this is what they call "normal" I don't have a clue. All I know is it is me today.
My prayer is that you begin to get a glimpse of reality of how precious life is, yours & others. Accepting each & every second as the true gift that it is. Making sure others know how much you love them, appreciate them, & what a blessing they are. Don't let another second pass without letting them know.
No comments:
Post a Comment