Feb 8, 2015 - Worries of Life

It's been 120 days of grieving, how long will this go on I wounder. Will I ever get past this? How can I move on? My beautiful child is gone, and at such a young age. Children are suppose to out live their parents. I have discovered I now live in constant fear. I hold my breath when my other boys are not here where I can physically see them, my heart skips a beat if they are even a minute or two late. And it really doesn't seem to matter where they are or who they are with. I have to constantly remind myself of scriptures. Many places the Word tells us to not worry.
》Matthew 6:25-34 NCV ~ “So I tell you, don’t worry about the food or drink you need to live, or about the clothes you need for your body. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothes. Look at the birds in the air. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, but your heavenly Father feeds them. And you know that you are worth much more than the birds. You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it. “And why do you worry about clothes? Look at how the lilies in the field grow. They don’t work or make clothes for themselves. But I tell you that even Solomon with his riches was not dressed as beautifully as one of these flowers. God clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today but tomorrow is thrown into the fire. So you can be even more sure that God will clothe you. Don’t have so little faith! Don’t worry and say, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ The people who don’t know God keep trying to get these things, and your Father in heaven knows you need them. Seek first God’s kingdom and what God wants. Then all your other needs will be met as well. So don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will have its own worries. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
》 Proverbs 3:5-6 NCV ~ Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don’t depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success.
》 Philippians 4:6-7 NCV ~ Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks. And God’s peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
》 Matthew 11:28-30 NCV ~ “Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Accept my teachings and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find rest for your lives. The burden that I ask you to accept is easy; the load I give you to carry is light.”
》 Psalms 55:22 NCV ~ Give your worries to the Lord , and he will take care of you. He will never let good people down.
》 1 Peter 5:7 NCV ~ Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you.
And many more....
 But at this point I am failing this one with a big eptic fail. I have discovered that I almost go into a panic attach mode with the thought of loosing another one of my boys. The fear become overwhelming.
At 120 since the accident, I feel lost, with no hope, no peace, no passion, no love, no desire, no compassion, no drive, no joy, no comfort, no worth, no value, no reasoning, or no understanding. I find myself in complete fear of emotional attachment to anything or anyone in the fear of loosing them. Most days the only reasons I get out of bed is because I either just can not sleep anymore or my body gets to hurting and telling me I need to get it moving or I don't want to have to answer to anyone as to why I am still in bed. So I get up and try my best to act as normal and functional as possible to make life easier for others around me. Most days I spend watching the clock tick by just waiting for it to get late enough for me to go to bed without any fuss or questions. I am finding most days it is easier to be alone than having to deal with anyone (and this is a huge thing for me because I am not a loner). But anymore it is just easier that way because then I don't have to worry about others asking me what is wrong, or making others mad or upset. And despite my desire to leave it all at the cross and walk away I just haven't figured out how to do it.
I turn to prayer, the bible, music or teachings. Not at much as I should because many time I find myself just setting here in cyber space, and I honestly could not tell you what I am doing then. I have several favorites in teachings and music but I must say Joyce Meyer and Marriage Today and Focus on Family are my top three teachings. I love to listen to Joyce Meyer. And Mercy Me, Third Day and Casting Crown are probably three top for music. I am having a hard time reading these days. I have always had problems with comprehension but now it seem almost impossible. So I am not reading nearly as much as I was before the accident.