A Mother's Biggest Fear Becomes Reality

December 25, 2014 · Edited ·

Merry Christmas my sweet baby! I love you and miss you bunches and bunches! And I just wanted to say thank you for all the pennies you have been leaving over the past few weeks for us to remind us that you are here. You are sooo missed here. I seem to be spending more time thinking about you and wishing I could see you than I do anything else. But I am so thankful to know that one day I will.

December 25, 2014 ·

I missed you soooo much today. And would have given so much to have you here. But I would take you out of paradise for anything in the world no matter how much I love and miss you.

December 26, 2014 ·

I must say I have. This past 2+ months have been hard. Missing you is putting it mildly. I guess that's because I love you more than any words can ever express. You will always hold a part of my heart. When you left a part of my heart went with you. I spend so much time feeling lost, but thank heavens I can follow the light of the Lord which is a way better path than any other.

Melinda Lucas‎Dayton Tyler Beard

December 27, 2014 ·

Well I went by to have one of our chats today. Oh how I miss them. Thank you my sweet angel for being with me every day.

December 29, 2014 · Branson, MO ·

Well bub, this Xtreme Winter Confidence in Branson Mo has been fun. 1 more day to go. And as thankful as I am for getting to be here with all 3 of your baby brothers I can't help but feel very sad and guilty because I never got the opportunity to go with you and Troy Wayne. I find myself thinking about you pretty much the whole time. Like boys Dayton would hate this band or even Dayton would be flirting with that girl. Haha. I miss you so much. And to you and TJ I am so sorry I never got to come with you. I love you both to the moon and back. Xoxo to heaven 1st class to you.

—

feeling incomplete.

December 29, 2014 · Branson, MO ·

WOW! Setting here and I look over towards the kids and Kyler Beard was laughing and I had to take a double take because I totally seen Dayton! I mean I have always said they looked alike but wow not that much.

December 31, 2014 · Delaware, OK ·

Well, my sweet angel 2014 has been the hardest year of my life so I am glad to see it go. But trying to look onward to 2015 with out you in the picture is something I am not looking forward to. I find myself still checking my phone to see if you had called, checking facebook to see that handsome face of yours and ready your "today's positive words", I even find myself thinking about when I can make the next trip to Colorado to see you. Christmas was hard, I seen so many things that I wanted to get you, and even picked up a few before realizing USPS doesn't deliver to heaven. I still walk around lost most of the time, it is something that I don't even know how to explain, but I truly feel like part of me is missing. I also find myself being very homesick for heaven way more than I use to. I guess because I know that you will be waiting there open armed for me and I will finally get another one of your wonderful hugs. I know someday the hurt will get easier to deal with. And I know you would want me to move on, and oh how I try, but it seems like every single thing I do /see/hear reminds me of you. Missing you is putting it mildly. I love you baby - Happy New Year in Heaven.

—

feeling lost.

Looking Back -- Facebook posts December 1 - December 24

December 2, 2014 ·

A second never go's by that you are not in my thoughts. Even in the happy times I think of how much you enjoyed life, and spending time with family. Your in my thoughts when I wake up until I go to sleep. Many times even in my dreams. What I would give to talk to you again. It's been almost 2 months and I don't think the pain will ever go away. I spend most of my time reminding myself I will see you again. Reminding myself you are in the most glorious place ever imagined and I will join you soon. That soon our family will all be together again. I remind myself that what is important is to live for the Lord and to guard all my precious memories of you. I love you baby to the moon and back.

December 3, 2014 ·

Well bub today has been another one of those days. I keep thinking about how excited you were to get to be home for Christmas this year. And how excited we all were for you to be home for Christmas this year. I keep thinking about your pens I got you for Christmas and how excited I was to give them to you but never got to. I set and think about all our long talks on the phone or in person. All your goals and dreams you shared with me. How great it felt that sometimes I thought you must have had me on speed dial, it was such a wonderful feeling. I loved hearing about your day good or bad, and I miss that so much. It seemed like no matter how little it was you would call me. Can't say I always gave you the best advise but it was my best. And honestly it just felt good to feel needed.. smile emoticon Thank you baby for just being you!

December 4, 2014 ·

My picture frame. It reads
Remembering you is easy,
I do it every day,
But there's an ache
Within my heart
that will never go away.

— with Dayton Tyler Beard.

December 6, 2014 ·

I wanted to take a moment to apologize to anyone I may have offended lately. But in my defense there is a few things I do not have any tolerance for. 1) a lier 2) a theif. But the one thing that will truly set me off is someone who does either to one of my kids. I have been called many things over the years for protecting my boys and honestly they don't effect me. I can make a momma bear look like a mouse when it comes to my boys. I have raised my boys to be respectful, honist, caring, gentlemen.
With that being said, some may have heard the wrong things. So let me clear some stuff up. Dayton had talked to me many times about if something ever happened to him (not that I ever wanted to talk about it but that was just him) he had asked me to take care of some things. I truly believe he still is on many things, I truly believe he is putting things on my heart heavy for a reason. And not just me but a couple others too. There is a reason why rather you like it or not. Now, I will not allow any posts on his facebook that are not true. I do have that right rather you except it or not. And for the record I do have his phone and no it was not damaged not even a scratch. And the funny part is that kid never deleted anything, EVER! It's kinda funny but I really think once again there is a reason. It is MY JOB to make sure my son is protected. And if you don't like it I am very sorry, but here is the catch he is my son! If not already, once you become a parent you will completely understand.
So this is what is going to happen from now on, If I feel Dayton or God is leading me to delete a post on his wall I will. If you don't like that, I am sorry. Sometimes I may not even have a clue why but I will do it anyway. And if you have a problem with me please some to me not the social network. If you feel I am doing something wrong pray about it, ask God to change my heart, and if it is wrong in His eyes He will. And I will pray that God gives you peace with whatever it may be.

December 7, 2014 ·

I have had one almost every day since loosing my sweet Dayton.

December 9, 2014 ·

To my dearest mother,
I stood by your bed last night; I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying you found it hard to sleep.
I spoke to you softly as you brushed away a tear, and asked you not to weep
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at morning, I watched you standing there.
I was with you at the shops today; your arms all loaded down.
I longed to take it from you, I wish I could do more, I long to only help you on your trip to town.
I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you search for your key.
I gently put my hand on you; I smiled and said, "it's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is now over... I smile and watch you give a yawn,
and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you at dawn."
And when the time is right for you to cross great divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to me.

Melinda Lucas with Dayton Tyler Beard

December 11, 2014 ·

Two months ago I had that knock on my door that every parent fears, that knock that has forever changed my life, that knock that knocked me down so hard that I honestly never wanted to get back up. I not only lost my son, but I lost one my best friends. Funny because I use to always say "I'm not your friend, I'm your Mom" boy was I ever wrong on that one. Life has thrown me a curve ball that came straight at me and hit me right square in the heart. I can honestly say I have never hurt so bad for so long in my life. Loosing Trevor Wayne was so hard, I remember it like it was yesterday. Loosing Daddy broke my heart becuase he was Daddy, he was superman and superman never dies. Loosing Momma killed me because she was my best friend, the one I could go to no matter what, the one that I knew always had my back no matter how stupid my mistakes were. But loosing you has by far put the biggest hole in my heart, has hurt beyond explination. Has Distroyed so much of me. I am forever greatful for the beautiful 21 years I had with you, to be your mommy, momma, madre, mom, mother. I am thankful for every single second good or bad. I am thankful for every single trip to the er (Lord knows there was plenty with you), I am even thankful for ever single heartbreak, if you only knew how much it broke my heart to see you sad, hurt, mad. I am thankful for everything. But right now, today; I am sooo thankful for your brothers, because honestly if it wasn't for them I would have probably thrown in the towel, given up, never moved forward. You touched so many lives and honestly left many of them in shambles. You were more than just a son, more than just a friend, more than just a brother, more than just a soldier. Your drive was desired by many. Your love was beyond normal. You loved more than most even know is possible. Your hugs were magical. What I wouldn't give for just 1 more hug, 1 more "I love you Momma". If I would have know that Friday night would have been my last hug I would have never let go. You left way to early, and I will never understand why. You had such a huge impact on everyone that met you. You proved that anything is possible if you set your mind to it. You became a soldier ever thought so many told you, you wouldn't make it. But you didn't just become a soldier, you became an amazing soldier. You carried more pride in that uniform that most could ever imagine. You excelled way beyond just a soldier. And it is not just me that's life has changed by you leaving. But the whole world. I really do hope you have seen how many people you truly did effect, that truly did love you. To be quite frank most of these past 2 months, I have not wanted to move on. I have been so lost, so crushed, so distroyed. And honestly the only thing that has gotten me through this given me strength, hope, comfort, peace, joy; has been our Father. Knowing you are with Him, has given me peace, knowing He will never leave me & will be my strength when I am at my weakest, knowing I will see you some day and be with you for ever and ever has given me hope, knowing that you are happy and will never hurt again plus that we will all live toghether has given me joy, and the arms of Jesus wrapped around me holding me, loving me no matter my mistakes, wiping my tears, has given me comfort. I truly breaks my heart to think of all the people who do not know Jesus, who thinks "this" is all there is, who has to go through things like this alone because they don't have Jesus to comfort them. I could never imagine going through life in general thinking everything depends on me, not knowing I have Him inside of me to give me the strength and power to do anything and everything I need to do. Little long going through something so tragic as this. I pray everyday for God to put someone in their path that can show them the light. That can lead them to eternal life. I don't care who it is just someone. No one should ever have to live life thinking there isn't something better.
If loosing you does nothing else I pray it atleast makes everyone see that there is no guarantee of tomorrow, and tomorrow may be to late. That they need to make sure they are right with the Lord right now, right here, today! That they need to love everyone every second of everyday despite their faults, AND TELL THEM SO! How much each second of life is a gift, to never waste them, to make every single one of them count!
On this day Father hold each and every person that is hurting for whatever reason in your arms, comfort them and give them the peace that only You can give them.

December 11, 2014 ·

You know 2 months ago my heart shattered into billions of pieces. I have been trying so hard to put it all back together only to discover it will never go back because a big piece of it is now gone. Not lost, just put away in a safety deposit box. Many miss you dearly because of the impact you had on their life. I personally think mine can't even be defined as missing you, it's way more, it beyond that. But tonight God sent me an angel. I know it was truly His mercy because He hates to see us suffer. He sent me an angel if wisdom. And even though I still have this awful pain from you being gone, for the first time in 2 months I am at peace with it. Even though I know I have not shed my last tear, I have peace. And once again you have made me so proud. I love you forever.

December 13, 2014 ·

Missing you just as much today as ever.

Melinda Lucas

December 18, 2014 ·

What I would give to see this smile again. I wish I could say it's getting easier; but I trust God to carry me through. It has been so hard to get into the Christmas spirit this year knowing this sweet smile won't be here. And even though this has truly been the hardest struggle I have ever had to do, I believe with every ounce of me that my God will turn this tragedy into a victory. He will turn the bad into good. And even though my heart aches as much today as it did the day you went home I know my Father will take away my pain, he will heal my heart. And when I have times that seem very hard I am thankful to know God will carry me. And as happy as I am to seen so many of Daytons fellow soldiers doing great things, or getting ready to go home for the holidays it does make me very sad because that should be you as well. It's so hard to move on without part of me. People ask me all the time how I am doing. I usually say, I'm taking it day by day. But in reality it's more of a second by second. There is tines that it's takes all I have to smile or even function, but these are the times I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father.

December 22, 2014 ·

Well my little mini me lol. You are suspose to be home now for a couple weeks and helping me wrap the Christmas presents for your brothers. Oh how I miss getting to drive you nuts about what I got you for Christmas. You sure wasn't very good at waiting. I miss so many things about you. Like the way you always jumped right in to help me cook. You we're always my cooking partner. And I miss the way you use to beg me to tell you what I got you. I miss that big sweet smile. I miss your orneriness. Actually there isn't a thing I don't miss. I love you my sweet angel. Give everyone hugs n kisses from me.

Looking back -- Facebook posts November 26 - November 30

November 26, 2014 ·

To think a year ago (the Tuesday before thanksgiving) at this time we were well on our way to Colorado Springs for the first time to see you. We were all so excited. Your brothers could not wait to see Colorado and I just couldn't wait to get that big hug from my sweet soldier. I look back now on that first trip. How crazy things got between Levi getting sick to the car breaking down and leaving us there for an extra 4 days. And now I think oh what a blessing. You we're our rescue. You would go work all day then come take care of us. That is if your amazing Sgt Kyle Graff hadn't already sent you earlier to take care of us. You we're always such a blessing. You always took care of your family, of the ones you loved. Bless your heart you we're a Mommas boy. We were closer than close. Like you had said there wasn't anything you didn't tell me. Most people don't really understand stand that. They don't understand that honestly "if Momma didn't know it wasn't worth knowing." Lol I remember when you told that to one of you girlfriend. That was so funny the look on their face. I am so thankful that you got to have that 1 true love. In a way it makes me sad that you never got to be a Daddy, oh what an amazing Daddy you would have been. But truthfully I am thankful that you wasn't in a relationship with anyone. Sometimes I think you knew it was coming, you just didn't know when or how.

November 27, 2014 ·

Love you and miss you my sweet angel.

November 28, 2014 ·

Thank you to everyone who was here for Thanksgiving. If I could only express how much it ment to me. It helps with the emptyness of not havingDayton here. I enjoy cooking, always have; but to have a house full to cook for makes it so much better. I had honestly been dreading Thanksgiving just for the fact of missing my sweet baby. I hate that Troy Wayne wasn't able to make it but I understand the whole "had to work" thing. And ofcourse Nana being able to get lots of sugar from my sweet ElsaMae there was no need for any pie! smile emoticon I just want you all to know I appriciate each and every one of you. I am thankful for you all in my life. You all may each day so much brighter for me. This past month and a half you all have been my reason for moving forward, for getting up, for smiling. The loss of Dayton has left a huge hole in everyone of our hearts. A hole that will never be filled. There has been many times that I have been I guess you could say exteamly homesick. Beyond what I think any of us ever should be. I have had many times of complete numbness inside of me. A lost feeling. Such an emptyness that it almost makes me sick to my stomache. But I am so so thankful that I know God Loves Me. I know God will give me peace. I know God will give me strength. I know God will give me courage. I know God will give me wisdom. I know God will comfort me. It is just like Dayton said in one of his last posts before the accident. "GOD IS MY ROCK" He is my everything. And because of Him and His unexplainable love for me despite my faults I know I will make it through. I will have my weak moments. But thankfully God will be there to give me strength. When I fall He will be there to pick me back up. And I believe each and everyone of you are a part of that gracious gift to me. You are God's reminder to me that it will all be ok. You are each put into my life for a reason and for that I am thankful.... And I am so so thankful that one day we will ALL be together again with Dayton. And even though I honestly can not wait, I know that I am here for a reason and I will do whatever God needs me to do until it is all done.
Thank you all and please know I love you!

Romans 8:18-19 NCV ~The sufferings we have now are nothing compared to the great glory that will be shown to us. Everything God made is waiting with excitement for God to show his children’s glory completely.

November 30, 2014 ·

Well we had one of our crazy family famous UNO nights with Doug, Colton,Levi, & Kyler. You know the one's where 1 games takes like 2+ hours.... lol It was lots of fun although sure did miss you being here. Brought back some pretty great memories. You would be proud thought Momma won both games! I sure do miss having my UNO partner. smile emoticon So be ready because when I get to heaven our unbeatable duo will be back full force and beating everyone! WOOHOO! Man as much as I LOVE being here with your brothers and watching them grow into amazing young men I sure can wait for one of your million dollar hugs. I know you will be waiting at heavens gates to greet me... And even though I miss you every second of every day; I am starting to have the divine peace with the fact that you are home, you are happy, you will never hurt in anyway, you will never shed another tear, you have enternal life of nothing but peace, joy & love. And mostly you are waiting on me. You will always have a huge part of my heart with you that I could never get back nor do I want to. But I am determinded I am going to enjoy life in your memory, I am going to live the rest of my life to the fullest, doing my very best to please the Lord in everything I do. I know I will make mistakes but thankfully He does to and will forgive me. I have no clue how much longer I have left all I know is that I am going to spend every second of every day helping and loving everyone I can. It my turn to make YOU & GOD proud of ME! smile emoticon I love you my sweet angel.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Looking back -- Facebook posts November 11 - November 25

Melinda Lucas added 3 new photos.

November 11, 2014 ·

Not just 3 of my most favorite soldier. But 3 of the most important men in my life. WOW I have sure been blessed! And to those of you who didn't know, NOW you see where my baby got his million dollar smile from. MY DADDY!

— with Dayton Tyler Beard and Doug Lucas.

Wow thank you Tracey Benson. This is so true. People have no clue the pain of loosing a child unless they have lost one. They have no clue of the emptiness you feel inside. The huge black hole. The confusion. The longing for more time. Dayton Tyler Beard is loved and missed by many I will be the first to say that. But you have no clue what missing someone really is like until you have lost a child.

Even though I have posted comments more than once. Some may not have seen the post. So I am posting again. If anyone has any pictures or videos of my son Dayton Tyler Beard please please post them or send them to me. You may not understand but they are all I have left of my sweet baby boy and they are worth more than gold to me.
Thank you.

You will always be in my heart Dayton Tyler Beard where I can hug you all the time

The loss of a child is probably the most horrible loss imaginable. And I must remember this everyday and I know deep in my heart God will make good out of my loss.

— with Dayton Tyler Beard.

November 15, 2014 · West Tulsa, OK ·

I have discovered it's impossible to do anything without thinking of you. We did so much together and the few things we didn't you wanted to but couldn't. You we're such a huge part of our lives that it's hard to move on without you. Even though I know that you would want us to. It's seems like everywhere I go & everything I do I hit a memory of you. I love you my sweet angel.

November 17, 2014 ·

I hug you many times a day! Miss you & love you to infinity and beyond!

— with Dayton Tyler Beard.

November 18, 2014 ·

I love you and miss you so much. Not a day goes by that you are not on my mind every second. And honestly my belief in something better is the only thing that has kept me going.

November 19, 2014 ·

Well baby the rest of your things will be here this week even though your bag is still setting in my room and except for a couple things its pretty much until touched because I just haven't been able to make it very far with it yet. I guess the rest of the things can go right beside it and I will deal with it little by little as best I can. I know it's going to be hard excepting that "this" is all I have left of you.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I am really not looking forward to it. To remember that last Thanksgiving we were in Colorado Springs with you. And to realize you will never be here to help me de-bone the turkey again, to realize you will never be here to help with any dinner again. You always enjoyed helping me in any way you could. Anytime I needed anything you seemed to always be there. And really never expected anything in return. The reality that there will be no more of your hugs, laughs, or ornery playfulness is so heartbreaking. I wish I could say it's getting easier, but it's not yet. I can only hope it will someday. But until then I will take it 1 day at a time. I love you my sweet angel.

November 19, 2014 ·

As I set and ponder over memories of the years past. All the laughter and smiles and love yous. Remembering some sad times as well. I have come to realize that most of my memories are of joy. and even though if I really try I can dig up bad ones most are joyful. Even the sad ones. It's funny how as I watch my beautiful boys grow I have lots of sad memories. You know the "their first day of school" or "getting there license" or "graduation" sad because they are growing up, but such I joy to be a part of it. I set back and think about all those "pull your hair out days" when I had a house full of "boys will be boys" and can't help but smile because now looking back I see what a joyful blessing those days were. I realize what a blessing it was to have the "rush of different ball games at the same time". The stress of making sure everyone was where they needed to be when they needed to be there. It's funny how those become your biggest memories. I am so thankful for all my boys. For all my memories. For all the giggling. And even for all the bad. Those bad times were what made even the ok times seem so wonderful.

Melinda Lucas added 4 new photos.

November 20, 2014 ·

Well baby your things are here. It's heartbreaking to see the remainder of your life is in 3 boxes. I set and watch as they go through and inventory each and every item. It's hard to watch as they unfold every item to identify and count. I find myself praying once again for that miracle that this is all just a misunderstanding. That you are not gone. That this is one of those crazy special missions where they need everyone to think you are gone. I know I have watched to much tv. I miss you like crazy. I love you more than life. And even though I know "your in a better place" that doesn't make it any easier to accept, to let you go, I miss you any less.

November 21, 2014 ·

Ok, if you know much about the bible then you already know what Hebrews 11 is about. But for you that doesn't know it is about What Faith is. And the reason I am bringing up this chapter of Hebrews is because as I was telling someone about Dayton; he had made a comment about how he seemed like an amazing young man. Ofcourse I said yes it was, as we talked more he directed me to Hebrews 11. But mostly to a particular part of it. This passage talked about the great people of faith. The amazing things they were able to do through faith. But starting in verse 32 Paul talks about how there wasn't enough time to tell about all the great people of faith. But once you get to verse 36 it talkes about how many were laughed at, beaten, stoned and more. Once you reach verse 38 it says the world was not good enough for them! This person I was talking to said he thought of that verse when I was telling him about Dayton; that "the world was not good enough for him, so God took him home." After that I really got to reading the chapter and thinking about what he had said to me. Here is verses 36-40 so you can read it. I recommend you read the whole chapter - well I recommend you read the whole book, but you have to start somewhere. But anyway as I meditate on this passage, I wonder is this the answer to many of our questions as to "Why does God always take the 'good ones'? I meaan think about it, we have all asked that same question at some point in our lives or another. Plus the bible says that we are here for a purpose, and every then that happens, happens for a reason, and that God uses trials to mold us-make us Christ like. So does that mean that when we get to the point that "the world is not good enough for us" that is when we go home? And some just complete that journey quicker than others? I mean God can see way more than we show. He sees the "true heart" and even though we set back and think "well this guy is really good so why is he still here?" BUT is their "true heart" good? See I believe God doesnt look at what we do as much as what we do with a "kind heart" with a "loving heart" with a "peaceful heart". And I don't know about you but there has been many times that I have done that "good deed" but didn't do it with a "true heart". So my question to you is "HOW TRUE IS YOUR HEART?"

Hebrews 11:36-40 NCV ~ Some were laughed at and beaten. Others were put in chains and thrown into prison. They were stoned to death, they were cut in half, and they were killed with swords. Some wore the skins of sheep and goats. They were poor, abused, and treated badly. The world was not good enough for them! They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and holes in the earth. All these people are known for their faith, but none of them received what God had promised. God planned to give us something better so that they would be made perfect, but only together with us.

HAVE A BLESSED NIGHT!

November 22, 2014 ·

No doubt it would be my sweet baby boy Dayton Tyler Beard! I miss you more every day. To hear your voice, see your smile, hug your neck, kiss your cheek, hear your laugh, get that last dance, tell you how proud I am of you, how much I love you, and the list gos on and on. Oh how i think it would make things so much easier. I mean it would always be hard but to just have that last chance to tell talk to you.

November 24, 2014 ·

Oh my sweet baby, if I could only tell you how much I miss you. How much my heart longs to see you. It's so hard to accept you are gone. It's so hard to look towards the future knowing you are not in it. I am trying to keep looking to all my blessings instead of not having you here. I know you are so happy now, I know you have more joy and peace. And no matter how much I miss you I would never ask you to come back and give it all up, I just miss you.