As I look Back

As I look back on the past days since Dayton's death and all that has happened, all my family and I have went through, all we have felt, watching my other 4 boys grieve in each of their own ways; one thing is for sure it has been a pain that I can't even begin to explain. But my prayer is that maybe it might show hope for others and one so I can look back and see how far we have come from the beginning of this tragedy. My blog will start from the beginning, on that dreaded day of October 11, 2014.  So, with that being said; in many of the first posts will mainly be from facebook posts, messages I received, notes, pictures, and probably some trips down memory lane of Dayton's younger years. I will possibly even post through out posts from others that loved Dayton and misses him dearly as well, however I will never post the names of who wrote it.
Please understand this is my life - my story, the way I have felt, the way I have dealt with the cards that was handed to me. So this blog will be told my way. I apologize in advance, but I am not interested in hearing about my grammar, spelling, or how you may think I should feel.
If I haven't learned anything else, the one thing I have learned is this --- No matter if you had lost a child or not; No matter if you are a Mom or a Dad, no one will ever ever know exactly how I feel except God. I can try to explain it but from my experience there is no words to express what I feel. Just the same as I don't know how someone else feels. Here is my reasoning for this; absolutely NO two people will ever have the exact same relationship. NONE! And IF you didn't have the exact same relationship their is no way for you to really know how someone else feels. Because how you feel is based on many things, the relationship (son, daughter, mother, dad, ect.), the depth of the relationship (daddy's girl, momma's boy, black sheep, loner, ect.), and then the really deep depth of that (how close you really are). For example: Dayton and I was extremely close. I mean to the point of the (TMI= to much information) sometimes, but wouldn't have ever traded it for anything. To the point of he was more than a son, we were best friends, we were each others cheerleaders, we always knew we could count on each other for a boost or shove which ever we needed, and we were even each others rock at times. Now if you compare that to a Mom that was not real close to their son. Like a daddy's boy that never wanted anything to do really with mom unless they had to, or like a mom who was a good mom but was just always to busy with their own life to ever be there. With this example I think you might see how the other mom really wouldn't know the depth of my pain nor would I hers. Another example: I personally have lost 2 of my own boys. My first born Trevor at birth and Dayton at 21 years old and I am here to tell you there is no comparison. I mean the grief is extreme for me with both and they both have things that are way worse than the other like; for my 1st son Trevor - I never got to hear his cry, see a smile, hear a laugh, ect. for Dayton - no more daily calls, texts, no more hugs, heart warming facebook posts, laughs, smiles, or visits. Two totally different relationships, both mine, but my grief with each has been completely different.
With this all being said, my advise to everyone, please, please, don't ever tell someone you know how they feel, because in reality you really don't; I don't believe it is possible. You may sympathize with them. You may know how you felt, and even be able to give good advice on what helped you, just comfort, remind them that you are there if they ever need to talk. Because to be quite honest that is almost frustrating to the griever. At least it was for me.
I really have no clue who may be reading this, but I pray that you come out of it at the least a little closer to God our Father.