Not just 3 of my most favorite soldier. But 3 of the most
important men in my life. WOW I have sure been blessed! And to those of you who
didn't know, NOW you see where my baby got his million dollar smile from. MY
DADDY!
Wow thank you Tracey Benson. This is so true. People have no
clue the pain of loosing a child unless they have lost one. They have no clue
of the emptiness you feel inside. The huge black hole. The confusion. The
longing for more time. Dayton Tyler
Beard is loved and missed by many I will be the first to say
that. But you have no clue what missing someone really is like until you have
lost a child.
Even though I have posted comments more than once. Some may not
have seen the post. So I am posting again. If anyone has any pictures or videos
of my son Dayton Tyler Beard please please post them or send them to me. You
may not understand but they are all I have left of my sweet baby boy and they
are worth more than gold to me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
The loss of a child is probably the most horrible loss
imaginable. And I must remember this everyday and I know deep in my heart God
will make good out of my loss.
I have discovered it's impossible to do anything without
thinking of you. We did so much together and the few things we didn't you
wanted to but couldn't. You we're such a huge part of our lives that it's hard
to move on without you. Even though I know that you would want us to. It's
seems like everywhere I go & everything I do I hit a memory of you. I love
you my sweet angel.
I hug you many times a day! Miss you & love you to infinity
and beyond!
I love you and miss you so much. Not a day goes by that you are
not on my mind every second. And honestly my belief in something better is the
only thing that has kept me going.
Well baby the
rest of your things will be here this week even though your bag is still
setting in my room and except for a couple things its pretty much until touched
because I just haven't been able to make it very far with it yet. I guess the
rest of the things can go right beside it and I will deal with it little by
little as best I can. I know it's going to be hard excepting that "this"
is all I have left of you.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I am really not looking forward to it. To remember that last Thanksgiving we were in Colorado Springs with you. And to realize you will never be here to help me de-bone the turkey again, to realize you will never be here to help with any dinner again. You always enjoyed helping me in any way you could. Anytime I needed anything you seemed to always be there. And really never expected anything in return. The reality that there will be no more of your hugs, laughs, or ornery playfulness is so heartbreaking. I wish I could say it's getting easier, but it's not yet. I can only hope it will someday. But until then I will take it 1 day at a time. I love you my sweet angel.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I am really not looking forward to it. To remember that last Thanksgiving we were in Colorado Springs with you. And to realize you will never be here to help me de-bone the turkey again, to realize you will never be here to help with any dinner again. You always enjoyed helping me in any way you could. Anytime I needed anything you seemed to always be there. And really never expected anything in return. The reality that there will be no more of your hugs, laughs, or ornery playfulness is so heartbreaking. I wish I could say it's getting easier, but it's not yet. I can only hope it will someday. But until then I will take it 1 day at a time. I love you my sweet angel.
As I set and
ponder over memories of the years past. All the laughter and smiles and love
yous. Remembering some sad times as well. I have come to realize that most of
my memories are of joy. and even though if I really try I can dig up bad ones
most are joyful. Even the sad ones. It's funny how as I watch my beautiful boys
grow I have lots of sad memories. You know the "their first day of
school" or "getting there license" or "graduation" sad
because they are growing up, but such I joy to be a part of it. I set back and
think about all those "pull your hair out days" when I had a house
full of "boys will be boys" and can't help but smile because now
looking back I see what a joyful blessing those days were. I realize what a
blessing it was to have the "rush of different ball games at the same
time". The stress of making sure everyone was where they needed to be when
they needed to be there. It's funny how those become your biggest memories. I
am so thankful for all my boys. For all my memories. For all the giggling. And
even for all the bad. Those bad times were what made even the ok times seem so
wonderful.
Well baby your things are here. It's heartbreaking to see the
remainder of your life is in 3 boxes. I set and watch as they go through and
inventory each and every item. It's hard to watch as they unfold every item to
identify and count. I find myself praying once again for that miracle that this
is all just a misunderstanding. That you are not gone. That this is one of
those crazy special missions where they need everyone to think you are gone. I
know I have watched to much tv. I miss you like crazy. I love you more than
life. And even though I know "your in a better place" that doesn't
make it any easier to accept, to let you go, I miss you any less.
Ok, if you know
much about the bible then you already know what Hebrews 11 is about. But for
you that doesn't know it is about What Faith is. And the reason I am bringing
up this chapter of Hebrews is because as I was telling someone about Dayton; he had made a comment about how
he seemed like an amazing young man. Ofcourse I said yes it was, as we talked
more he directed me to Hebrews 11. But mostly to a particular part of it. This
passage talked about the great people of faith. The amazing things they were
able to do through faith. But starting in verse 32 Paul talks about how there
wasn't enough time to tell about all the great people of faith. But once you
get to verse 36 it talkes about how many were laughed at, beaten, stoned and
more. Once you reach verse 38 it says the world was not good enough for them!
This person I was talking to said he thought of that verse when I was telling
him about Dayton; that "the world was not good enough for him, so God took
him home." After that I really got to reading the chapter and thinking
about what he had said to me. Here is verses 36-40 so you can read it. I
recommend you read the whole chapter - well I recommend you read the whole
book, but you have to start somewhere. But anyway as I meditate on this
passage, I wonder is this the answer to many of our questions as to "Why
does God always take the 'good ones'? I meaan think about it, we have all asked
that same question at some point in our lives or another. Plus the bible says
that we are here for a purpose, and every then that happens, happens for a
reason, and that God uses trials to mold us-make us Christ like. So does that mean
that when we get to the point that "the world is not good enough for
us" that is when we go home? And some just complete that journey quicker
than others? I mean God can see way more than we show. He sees the "true
heart" and even though we set back and think "well this guy is really
good so why is he still here?" BUT is their "true heart" good?
See I believe God doesnt look at what we do as much as what we do with a
"kind heart" with a "loving heart" with a "peaceful
heart". And I don't know about you but there has been many times that I
have done that "good deed" but didn't do it with a "true
heart". So my question to you is "HOW TRUE IS YOUR HEART?"
Hebrews
11:36-40 NCV ~ Some were laughed at and beaten. Others were put in chains and
thrown into prison. They were stoned to death, they were cut in half, and they
were killed with swords. Some wore the skins of sheep and goats. They were
poor, abused, and treated badly. The world was not good enough for them! They
wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and holes in the earth. All
these people are known for their faith, but none of them received what God had
promised. God planned to give us something better so that they would be made
perfect, but only together with us.
HAVE A BLESSED NIGHT!
No doubt it would be my sweet baby boy Dayton Tyler
Beard! I miss you more every day. To hear your voice, see your smile,
hug your neck, kiss your cheek, hear your laugh, get that last dance, tell you
how proud I am of you, how much I love you, and the list gos on and on. Oh how
i think it would make things so much easier. I mean it would always be hard but
to just have that last chance to tell talk to you.
Oh my sweet baby, if I could only tell you how much I miss you.
How much my heart longs to see you. It's so hard to accept you are gone. It's
so hard to look towards the future knowing you are not in it. I am trying to
keep looking to all my blessings instead of not having you here. I know you are
so happy now, I know you have more joy and peace. And no matter how much I miss
you I would never ask you to come back and give it all up, I just miss you.
I have spent
the past 42 days in a lot of confusion. Trying to understand. Trying to
"figure out" why? Why Dayton? There was 4 people in that
wreck, and please understand I am oh so greatful that everyone else is ok, but
why Dayton? Why "my son". I'm not going to lie; I spent way to much
time mad, I was mad because God sent angels to protect everyone in that wreck
but my son. I spent to much time thinking it was God's punishment for something
I did. That He was "teaching me a lesson". Every second I let my
guard down just a little it was under major attack. Satan has not allowed me to
rest for 44 days now. I am exausted. But I know when I can not go any further
God will carry me, just the same as He has done many times through this. I
spent 42 days confused!!! Asking why? Why? Why? I hadn't seemed to have 1
second of rest in 42 days. Not 1 second without the agony of my tragic loss.
Then finally 2 nights ago while in the shower the Holy Spirit spoke to me; He
spoke to me more clear than I have ever heard in my life. The Holy Spirit said
in a soft calm voice "he was done". Ofcouse me being the sinner I am
replied with "what do you mean he was done? He was ONLY 21 years old! How
could he be DONE! He was just getting started! I dont understand, you let so
many live so much longer" By this point I was even more upset, confused,
and mad. Then the Holy Spirit said "so when you are preparing a meal for
your children to you cook all the food at the same tempature for the same
amount of time?" As I set there and thought about this, at first a little
confused, I began to understand a little more. You see, first of all the Holy
Spirit knows each and everyone of us way better than we know ourselves. He knew
that referring to cooking would be something I would truly understand. It has
taken me 2 days to finally get to the point of being able to post this. 2 days
of really allowing it all to soak in and to come to grips with reality of it
all. The fact is it really had nothing to do with me, or anyone else for that
matter. It all has to do with God's will, with His purpose. I believe it has to
do with the fact that God wants all of His children home with Him, and when we
get "done" He takes us home. It has to do with God's perfect plan.
And even though I am lost most of the time these days I am happy that Dayton
got to go home. And I know with God's help it will get easier.
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