Well, the birthday is now past. Do I feel better? No not really. But I have hope. With my faith I am able to have hope that there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I long for the day I get to see my sweet angels beautiful smile. I look at his brothers & see so much of him in them either by their actions, words, or looks. It makes my heart feel good. But still after 179 days I still have multiple times a day that your memory hits me like a ton of bricks. Where it takes all I have to not break down.
I have been told so many times how sting I am. Oh boy if they only knew my battle. I am many things but strong is not one of them. It has only been by God's grace & mercy that I have made it this far. And it is by his grace & mercy that will carry me forward from here. It is comfort in knowing that I will be reunited with all my loved ones once again once my job here is done. I can not tell you how many times I have set her and wondered how empty & scary life would be without my heavenly father. Without knowing that there is more than this. That I never have to say goodbye to any of my loved ones. Without God's strength in my weakness there is no telling where I would be. My heart weighs heavy for the lost. I can not imagine how dark that like is. I am so thankful to have been raised by such amazing parents that made sure I knew who Christ was & that he loved me no matter what mistakes I make. My loneliness is sometimes unbearable, my heartache is sometimes the more horrid pain imaginable; but through it all I am so grateful to know that God is with me, that He will never leave me no matter what, that when I fall he is there to pick me up. I am so thankful to know He gives me mercy new every day. That He forgives me for all my shortfalls.
There is times that I would give almost anything for one more hug, but then I realize that in reality it would never be enough. And if I was given that wish I would give something God has blessed me with for something that still wasn't enough. God will always give us what is in our best interest & best for the good of His Kingdom. And even though I don't understand why some things happen & probably never will I remind myself that its ok that I don't understand because God is good all the time & I have to trust His will for my life. I must confess there has been many times that I have questioned "why my son" well then I am reminded "why not my son", "what makes my son any better than anyone else?". So many of us walk around everyday saying "why me" well "WHY NOT YOU?" We live in a fallen world & bad things happen to good people. I have worked hard to make myself understand that my circumstances doesn't determine my worth, worthiness, or even the size of God's love for me. My response to them however does! Through all of this I could have chosen to curled up in a hole & stay there (and trust me I have wanted to many many times). But what good would that have done? My son deserves more than that. He deserves to be recognized, loved, & appreciated. And my other boys do too. See, Dayton was not afraid of death. That young man had no fear. He had a heart of gold & would die for anyone at any time. That would be one of the many reasons he joined the Army. But Dayton knew where his home was, he knew he was only here for a short while & when his time here was done he would go home. I was told my one of the EMT's that worked the accident something's that will stick with me for ever & even though my heart longs for my son it warms my heart. He told me first of all that my son died a hero because if it wouldn't have been for him one of the girls in the car would have died that he saved her life. Well you would have to have know my son to know that it all happened exactly how he would want it to have because the 2 young ladies in the car was 2 of the most important people in his life. And I can guarantee you he would have died for either of them at any given second. Next he told me that he has worked a lot of accidents but he has never in his life felt the Spirit of God so deeply as he did then. These 2 things warmed my heart & soul. I miss my son so much that words can not even begin to express, but I am so very thankful that God chose me to be his Momma even if it was for a short time. Those short 21 years were such a blessing & just having the honor to have been the one God chose to have him for even a little while shows me how much God loves me.
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